I Honestly Do Not Care About That

Jasmine Carter

Alright y’all, welcome back to "You’re Still on Mute." I'm Jasmine—and today, oh man, we are going there. I hope you’ve all had your third cup of coffee, 'cause we’re talking about pointless meetings. The kind that make you question if your soul can actually leave your body through Zoom.

Chris

I mean… we're not talking about meetings with, like, a clear purpose. We’re talking about those “Weekly Alignment” death marches. Actually, let me read this listener submission—shout out to ‘DisengagedInDenver’—who writes, “Every Wednesday at 11am, my team sits in a ‘Weekly Alignment’ meeting. It’s never clear what we’re aligning on. I mostly align my tabs across two screens and hope my boss doesn’t notice I’m editing my resume.” So yeah, been there.

Laura Simmons

That’s a classic. And honestly, it’s always Wednesdays, right? There’s some law of physics in corporate America—mid-week, maximum nonsense. Jasmine, didn’t you have some legendary meeting chaos back in your marketing days?

Jasmine Carter

Girl, don’t even get me started. Let me take you back—every Thursday, we’d have this “synergy review” meeting. No agenda, just different managers taking turns saying stuff like, “This quarter’s all about cross-functional excellence.” I used to mute myself and play Candy Crush. Which, honestly, is probably the only synergy I accomplished.

Kira

Synergy! If I never hear that word again, it’ll be too soon. But… can we actually talk about how we’re supposed to respond in these meetings? Like, what is the etiquette when your brain is begging to scream 'none of this actually matters, Susan?' 'Cause I know, as HR, I was supposed to model professionalism, but inside I was dying.

Chris

There is no etiquette. There's just performative head nodding and—if you’re bold—subtle sarcasm in the Zoom chat. Uh, I may or may not be guilty of “accidentally” leaving my camera off 'cause, “Oh, my WiFi is glitchy.”

Laura Simmons

We laugh, but it really takes a toll, right? We talked last week about respect and boundaries—and pointless meetings are exactly the opposite: a sign leadership has no idea how valuable—or limited—our time and attention really are.

Jasmine Carter

Exactly. And you know, sometimes I just wanna say, “Can this just be a Slack message, please?” But then there’s always that one dude who’s like, “I think this is really productive…”

Kira

I wanna meet the person who genuinely loves recurring calendar invites. Just so I can study them in a lab. Okay, moving on before I have to relive my calendar PTSD—

Laura Simmons

Wait, before we escape too fast, here’s another flavor of corporate time-wasting: the never-ending "wellness challenge." Anyone remember those? I got this anonymous email and y’all are gonna love this—it was a SIX MONTH challenge. Bingo cards, step trackers, forced group yoga in the break room. Mandatory participation, people. I’m pretty sure “wellness” means “let’s add more admin work to your week.”

Jasmine Carter

Six months?! I can barely keep up with laundry for that long. Forget water intake, I’m just trying to keep my badge from deactivating.

Kira

No, but really, Laura, I lived a version of that nightmare when I was drafted for the, um, 'Fun Committee.' Is that not the most cursed phrase in the English language? So, picture it: I’m chairing the committee, leadership wants a mandatory virtual talent show, and somehow I’m the only one who actually shows up sober. Long story short, I ducked out to the stairwell to ugly cry with a granola bar, and the CEO still asked why my energy was “off.” Spoiler: My energy was off because I was dying inside.

Chris

Fun Committee is straight-up code for “You’re about to do unpaid event planning with some baked-in guilt.” And if HR is breaking down in the stairwell, you know it’s bad. These initiatives—they never feel genuine. It’s always “Look at how much we care”... but do you? Or are you just trying to avoid another turnover report?

Laura Simmons

That’s the line, right? The blurred one between actual engagement and corporate guilt trips. Like, employee engagement shouldn’t require us to pretend to be stoked about smoothie challenges or mandatory stretching at 10am. Real engagement is about listening, not bingo cards and fake positivity. We called this out in episode three—leadership loves optics but they rarely address what people actually need.

Jasmine Carter

And you really can't fake interest for that long. Eventually, it’s “Yeah, Denise, congrats on your yoga triangle pose, but can I just go back to ignoring my overflowing inbox?”

Kira

It’s like, give us autonomy. Choice. Ask if we even want these things. Honestly, the most engaged I ever was? A surprise early dismissal before a long weekend. That’s it. That’s the list.

Chris

Yeah. Let people opt in—or out. And let’s retire “mandatory fun” forever. Sorry, not sorry.

Chris

And speaking of things that are not fun—let’s talk about inbox torture. You know, the glory of getting an 'urgent' ticket request to change a dashboard color. Last week I had someone escalate—twice—about making a data visualization 'less blue.' Full caps, “URGENT,” but funny, because literally not one person uses the dashboard except the person making the request. My favorite part is when I get to answer with one word: 'Done.' Also, that catharsis? Underrated.

Jasmine Carter

I got chills just hearing that. I had a listener submission where someone replied “Per my last email” for the tenth time—ten!—while staring at their open resignation letter. That’s just poetry, honestly.

Kira

We all speak that dialect, right? The “just circling back,” “as previously mentioned,” “per my last message”—code for “I no longer have hope for client reading comprehension.” My old trick? I’d start emails with “Gentle reminder” and end them with “Thanks in advance.” That’s HR for “I’m begging you to read.”

Laura Simmons

But sometimes you gotta vent. Like, can I get a “Just putting this in writing so it’s not my problem anymore” emoji? We need a shared language for “I do not care about this but professionalism is telling me to pretend right now.”

Chris

We should have a universal Slack emoji—like, giant side-eye or a little dumpster fire. Your team’s in “do not care” mode? Hit the emoji, everyone knows to tread lightly. Efficiency!

Jasmine Carter

Or maybe just a big red “Nope!” button. Easy. Remote meetings, email hell, pointless initiatives—when you know, you know.

Kira

Moral of this episode? It’s fine to not care about corporate theater. Scroll candy crush in your synergy review, ghost the fun committee, protect your energy—because trust me, no one else will.

Laura Simmons

Couldn’t have said it better. And hey, if you’ve got a story where you hit your breaking point—send it to us. We wanna hear it.

Chris

Absolutely. Next episode we’ll be back with even more workplace chaos. Until then—

Jasmine Carter

Thanks for tuning in, everyone. Laura, Chris, Kira—always a pleasure. Stay sane, stay salty, and don’t forget: you’re still on mute.

Kira

Bye guys. Don’t suffer in silence—send us the tea at you're (that's u r) still on mute @ gmail.com

Laura Simmons

Take care, everybody—see you next episode.

Chris

Later, folks. Don’t let 'em see you sweat—and keep those “urgent” tickets coming, I guess. Bye!