The Office Fortresses

Jasmine Carter

Alright, welcome to "You're Still on Mute!" Jasmine here—seriously, if you ever see me with my headphones in, I'm not listening to music, I'm just avoiding people. True story. Laura, you know what I'm talking about, right?

Laura Simmons

Oh, absolutely. Headphones are the new cubicle walls. I once counted—I kid you not—seven pairs of noise-cancelling headphones in our open office. People looked like they were prepping for a hurricane, not a Monday morning status update.

Chris

Please, Laura, hurricane prep is more social. I swear, half the people I work with have a monitor fortress so high, you’d need a passport just to ask for a stapler. And that’s before anyone even puts up their "don’t bother me" face—the facial version of antivirus software.

Kira

I gotta throw it back to the all-time legend, Brenda from Accounts Payable—y’all remember Brenda, right? She’s the one who taped an actual "Beware of Dog" sign to her cubicle. I thought she owned a Rottweiler, turns out, she just had a low tolerance for small talk and a passion for creative deterrents.

Jasmine Carter

That’s iconic. Hey, shout-out to Aaron, who once booked 45-minute “deep focus” sessions on his calendar. Everyone thought he was, like, building the next big thing. Nah, my guy was just napping in the supply closet behind a tower of empty printer boxes. Peak self-care, honestly.

Laura Simmons

There’s always that one person who wears their “do not disturb” vibes louder than their actual perfume. You try to ask what’s for lunch and get hit with the Side-Eye of Doom. Makes you wish you had, I don’t know, a carrier pigeon for communication.

Chris

Or a smoke signal. Actually, scratch that—someone would file an IT ticket for “unauthorized combustion.”

Kira

Honestly, I get it. Some days, the only boundary you have is the snacks you hoard and the facial expressions you weaponize. That’s self-preservation, baby.

Laura Simmons

So let’s talk about why people do this—why we turn into office cryptids lurking in coffee nooks. Is it just rudeness, or is it straight-up survival?

Jasmine Carter

Girl, it’s evolution. The first time you get caught in a “quick sync,” you learn to disappear. There’s an entire ecosystem of stealth tactics—fake coughing, retyping emails you already sent, aggressive water bottle filling. I mean, I once hid in a stairwell just so I wouldn’t get roped into another “hey, quick question?” ambush.

Chris

If dodging pop-ins was an Olympic sport, I’d have more gold than Michael Phelps. And look, sometimes you need to go full unapproachable just to defend your lunch break. Y’all ever had someone ask for a “brainstorm” while you’re mid-bite? They see a sandwich, I see my last shred of hope withering away.

Laura Simmons

Let’s not forget the corporate classic—my ex-VP, who communicated exclusively through sticky notes. I’m not kidding, the man would plop a neon Post-it on your laptop instead of actually speaking. Once he sent one during a Zoom call. I still don’t know if that was advanced shade or just pure commitment to the bit.

Kira

I support all forms of passive communication. Passive, aggressive, semi-aggressive—if it involves less “reply all,” count me in. Actually, if you’re out there, Mr. Sticky Notes, thank you for respecting the sacred silence.

Jasmine Carter

So listeners, help us settle this: is being unapproachable rude, or is it, y’know, literally the only way some of us survive out here? Send us your stories—the more tragic or petty, the better. Bonus points if your office has a fortress or an official “do not engage” mascot.

Kira

Now, if you actually—against all your better instincts—want to talk to these people, how do you approach? Do you brave a “hey,” or do we all just become Post-it diplomats hoping for a signature?

Chris

I mean, my move is to just slide a snack over the monitor wall, like offering tribute to a very skittish office raccoon. Sometimes it works, sometimes your M&Ms vanish and you never see your stapler again. You gotta weigh the risks.

Jasmine Carter

Yeah, but should managers even try to “fix” this? Like, should they be running “Let’s Make Susan Approachable Again” workshops, or do we just let the introverts vibe? I say let the unicorns be unicorns! If you want to meet them, you gotta bring oats and patience.

Laura Simmons

Look, as someone who’s been both—sometimes you need that bubble. But sometimes, the only thing that brings people together is chaos. Exhibit A: the infamous microwaved fish incident. Jasmine, tell them what went down.

Jasmine Carter

I mean, nothing pulls an office together like the stench of salmon at 11 a.m. One day, a poor intern nuked a fish dish that could have cleared a stadium. Suddenly, even the most elusive guy—Ron, who’d never spoken to anyone—stormed out and vented for a solid five minutes. Turns out, the universal language isn’t love, it’s rage at communal kitchen crimes.

Kira

So the real lesson here? You can be as unapproachable as you want, but nothing unites people like a shared enemy. Like, weaponized seafood. Or team-building activities. But mostly seafood.

Chris

Alright, let’s wrap. Whether you’re building monitor walls or perfecting your secret nap routine, we see you—and, honestly, we respect the hustle. Don’t let anyone guilt you into more small talk than your soul can handle.

Laura Simmons

Keep sending us your stories at you're (that's u r) still on mute @ gmail.com. We’ll be back soon with more corporate chaos and anonymous confessions.

Jasmine Carter

Thanks for hanging out on "You’re Still on Mute." Stay unapproachable, y’all—unless there's free snacks.

Kira

Bye everyone, don’t forget to check the microwave before you eat. I beg you.

Chris

Yeah, and if you see a "Beware of Dog" sign, just toss chocolate and run.

Laura Simmons

Bye y’all, until next episode!